There are so many moments in my life where i have met up with myself.... gotten to know what I was made of. Even as i feel like I am drifting, I don't feel lost. I feel like I am treading water. I am not drowning, but I am not swimming either.
I sorta feel like Dorothy as she says to Toto: Where to now? The yellow Brick Road is never just a straight endless walk... OK sometimes it is. Maybe that's what I am experiencing, a straight walk . There are no immediate decisions before me, just the usual ones that beg me to do right. And by right I mean, do what is necessary to get to where I want to go. WHERE THE FUCK IS THAT?
WHERE THE FUCK DO I WANT TO GO? Huh. This is my real crux of the matter... I don't know where I want to go. I don't know what I am working towards. I DON'T HAVE A CLUE.
Oh dear. I am digging way down deep now. I thought if I just filled my days pursuing long held dreams that I would happily fall into my hearts desires. I have and I haven't. Man, I have done a lot of things in this life, a lot! But none of it is anything I would want to do til I die. Except drink wine.
This is where prayer and stillness will take you... to the abyss of your life and force you to look over and up toward GOD. I have been averting my eyes, focusing on outward movement and tuning out the inward movement.
Damn it. Where am I going? I feel like those Hebrews wandering in the woods...and I don't have 40 years to figure it out. I don't know how much time I have... I just know that wondering/wandering around isn't purpose driven or, is it?
I don't feel anxious. I feel worn thin. I don't feel sad, just disillusioned.
What to do? Other than drown myself in really good wine and wild indiscriminate
sex. SIGH. Even half of that sentence has a snowballs' chance in hell of happening.
Let me just give myself some room to grow and develop. I don't have the energy to work it out here.